Friday, May 11, 2012

Where am I at?...

Ever stop to wonder where you are really at? You don't feel like you fit, or are where you want to be, but aren't sure why? That's how I have been feeling. I have wondered about where I belong. Wondered if I am truly living my life to the fullest. I am not sure.

When I was younger I felt recklessly and sometimes even hopelessly in love with and abondoned to God. Now, often days I wonder where my affections truly lie. I love God, I desire for Him to be the purpose behind all that I do, but more often than not I find myself wondering if my actions line up with my words. If I have lost sight of what it really means to be truly in love with God, in my everyday life. Or is it that I have just simply grown up. I have a better understanding of who He is, and love Him for that, but I also understand that it is not always about just acting abondoned but a condition of the heart that is lived out day to day. If maybe before it was the newness, and now it is the everyday... but I don't want to have an ordinary life, and an ordinary relationship with God, I want to be reckless, in love, excited, and always feeling passionate... do I have to always have to feel that to be one of the ones that helps work to change the world? 

( I wrote this top part about 1-2 weeks ago, and have been mulling over a response to my own questions, and asking God to show me where I am at, below is what I have concluded so far...)

I don't know.

However here is what I do know. God knows where I am at, He knows who He wants me to be. He has given me the things that I love and that I hate for a reason, and I trust that as I trust Him, He is going to continually change me. The great thing about this is that He does it His way, His timing, and that can look, feel and be different from time to time. When I was younger I was so worried that I would miss "it, that I would make a wrong choice and miss God's best for me. Then as I got older and walked through trials I feared what God was going to ask me to do. I feared that I would be asked to step out in ways I didn't want to, that would be uncomfortable, and even get hurt. Guess what?! These fears I faced, and not only survived but strengthen my faith because God brought me through my fear and I survived it! I remember the person that was discipling me at the time pointing out that if I was trusting God and doing my best to follow Him that I would not miss what He had for me because I have the Holy Spirit in me. So true! The fear of what God would ask me to do I think is kind of a good fear, in the sense that we should count the cost of following Christ, however what I have learned is that it is so very very very important to remember that our God loves us more than anything, and that He always has our best interest at heart. So if we trust Him no matter how scary, ugly, gross, or even awful it may seem, it is going to be more than ok, because He knows what He is doing, and it is all for our best, and above all these are wonderful chances for Him to be glorified in BIG ways!

Ok, so I say all of that to say this, God leads us through each season to make us into who He wants us to be. If Christ is on the throne of our hearts then we won't miss what He has in store for us. I hope my fear of becoming complacent, or losing my passion for Christ is a sign of God stirring something even bigger in me now. A process He is walking me through to re-evaluate where I am at, and the choices I am making. How awesome is it that we have a God who meets us exactly where we are at, and is without changing who we need Him to be in that season in life. "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever." Hebrews 13:8, so it can't be Him changing it must be me, my view of Him, and the new lessons He is teaching me. Right now God is revealing Himself to me in the little areas, and encouraging me in some of those same small areas. I am in awe... maybe this day to day thing, though is it not as flashy, emotional, or charismatic, is the way to truly glorify Him, and serve Him in my everyday life. To always trust that, "We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God- those whom he has called according to his plan." Romans 8:28.

1 comment:

  1. The Process... often takes us where we'd never go to learn about God in a way we could never imagine.