With that said, I suddenly once again feel that maybe I should take this step, and try blogging. I have been fighting it for over a year now, but I know I now have at least one thing I really want to say, and to share so here goes...
We lost our first baby a little over a week ago, I was about 13 1/2 weeks pregnant, and had been so fearful that something was going to happen to the baby. We had our first appointment at 10 weeks, and everything looked great. I was so relieved after that appointment. We think the baby died sometime that week after that appointment. On April 9th, I went to the ER and the baby had no heart beat or blood flow, and only measured 8 weeks. We had lost our baby... I never felt the way that I felt before. Easter Sunday I went to church, just because I didn't want to be at home alone. The family of the church loved me, passed me around and let me cry. It was amazing... as the week went on I realized how awesome the connection within the body of Christ is, and how awesome it is that not only do we get eternal life with Jesus, but we get to be apart of this body, a body that cares, loves, embraces, and takes care of each other at every stage in life, at every turn, at loss, and even at every mistake.
However the best thing that has happened from everything from the last week or so is how important it is to see God glorified in everything that goes on in our lives. My husband and I found comfort in a song "Unending Love" by Hillsong, and part of it was because of the truth of Christ's unending love, but more so it was because it was about God being glorified. Letting go of all of who I am and surrendering to all that He is. That means even during circumstances where I don't feel like surrendering or know what to surrender, places of brokenness where I feel like there isn't anything to surrender. I think that God appreciates and loves every sacrifice, and everything we submit to Him, He loves the surrender when we feel whole and want to surrender, but he also loves the surrender when we feel like we are holding the pieces together and if we surrender we will completely fall apart. He loves our hearts surrendered to Him.
On top of all this He has given us promises when we go through heartache, and He gives us hope. Last week I kept thinking about how the miscarriage felt like a broken promise, but the reality is it was another opportunity for God to be glorified and for Him to fulfill other promises in my life. It is an opportunity to trust Him in new ways and celebrate the fact that He knows what He is doing, and He knew what was going to happen, He knew why, and He knows what the future holds. What does that leave me? Comfort, peace, even joy in a time when I am broken, hurting and sad.
The last thing I wanted to share are some verse that have comforted me in times of brokenness and immediately and continually brought to memory this last week:
Psalm 43: 5
"Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God."
"You have taken account of my wanderings;
Put my tears in Your bottle.
Are they not in Your book?"
"For His anger is but for a moment,
His favor is for a lifetime;
Weeping may last for the night,
But a shout of joy comes in the morning."
Finally my favorite Psalm;
I will bless the LORD at all times;
His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
2 My soul will make its boast in the LORD; The humble will hear it and rejoice.
3 O magnify the LORD with me, And let us exalt His name together.
4 I sought the LORD, and He answered me,
And delivered me from all my fears. 5 They looked to Him and were radiant, And their faces will never be ashamed. 6 This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him And saved him out of all his troubles. 7 The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear Him, And rescues them.
8 O taste and see that the LORD is good;
How blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him!
9 O fear the LORD, you His saints; For to those who fear Him there is no want.
10 The young lions do lack and suffer hunger; But they who seek the LORD shall not be in want of any good thing.
11 Come, you children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the LORD. 12 Who is the man who desires life And loves length of days that he may see good?
13 Keep your tongue from evil And your lips from speaking deceit.
14 Depart from evil and do good; Seek peace and pursue it.
15 The eyes of the LORD are toward the righteous
And His ears are open to their cry.
16 The face of the LORD is against evildoers, To cut off the memory of them from the earth.
17 The righteous cry, and the LORD hears And delivers them out of all their troubles.
18 The LORD is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit.
19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
But the LORD delivers him out of them all.
20 He keeps all his bones, Not one of them is broken. 21 Evil shall slay the wicked, And those who hate the righteous will be condemned.
22 The LORD redeems the soul of His servants, And none of those who take refuge in Him will be condemned.
(all verses from biblegateway.com)
Well I guess that's all I have for now... glorify God in all that you do, seek Him and you will find Him. Our lives are for Him, to know Him, to love Him, to show Him to reflect Him to those around us, regardless of our circumstances. He is greater, He is bigger, He is stronger, and through Him alone the lost will be save and the broken redeemed.