Why am I not doing that?...

                   So often we focus on what we are not doing. Which can lead to a spin of guilt, and lies. The issue with focusing on what you're not doing, or the legality of what you are doing, is that it opens doors for lies. It allows yourself to think of all the ways you are not measuring up, and beat yourself up about all of those ways. This takes your eyes off the prize of Jesus and puts them on the things that may not matter. Now hear me when I say I totally get need to act your way into feelings when it comes to how you feel about doing things God is asking you to do. I get that. I also totally get that our everyday choices come down to choices to draw closer to God and His heart, or not. Both of these things are key elements when it comes to seek and serving our King. However there is a fine line when it becomes not about that. For me it is when life gets busy, and though I have my daily conversations with God, and I am reminded of scripture throughout the day, at the end of the day I get this feeling a of guilt, I never sat down and spent time with God today, I never worked on my blog today, I spent time doing (fill in the blank here) instead of time with God. I can't believe I did that! Then the downward spiral begins, and I start to lose sight in the amazing grace that God has for me. The good news that He loves me. That he valued the 10mins I spent talking with Him in the car that day. That he spoke to my heart when I remembered that verse. That my life is enough for Him. He created me to live. He created me to do exactly what I am doing. He enjoys watching me ride my bike, and speaking to me in the quiet of a solitary bike ride. He enjoys watching me take care of my family, and speaks to me as I am doing dishes, folding laundry and playing with Amirah. Why? Because He enjoys me. He created me for His enjoyment, for relationship with Him, and apart of that relationship is caring for the things He has given me to care for, and seeking Him.

                 When I focus in on what I am not doing, I am suddenly not enough. I quickly become not enough for myself, and that very quickly shifts to not enough for my family and for God. The wonderful thing is that He is faithful. He is faithful to walk through each and every season with us. The seasons that are so sweet and wonderful where we are spending hours of quality alone time with Him, and the seasons that we feel lucky to get the few scriptures from our phone before we roll out of bed in the morning, and 30mins in that car with Him, and every season in between. He is faithful to meet us where we are at. To use us in ways we don't expect or don't want to expect. To bring us through uncomfortable times, and to bring us into wonderful contentment. To bring us through season of growing and learning and sharing, and to bring us through dry, lonely, and quiet times. He is faithful.

                 To wrap up this long post... He is faithful when I am not, He is faithful even when I am disobedient, and a relationship with Him is so much more simple than we try to make it. Believe in the sacrifice that Jesus made for you. Accept that sacrifice, and life like someone who has had someone else die for them. Don't make it about your works alone, but about bring joy to Him, glory to our Lord. Don't allow anything to creep in and tell you that you are not enough. You were enough when Jesus died on that cross for you, you were enough when you are buried in your sin, shame and guilt. You are enough. You are enough as He brings you through healing, and restoration. He loves you right where you are right now.

                My husband and I love music, and it is a way for us to really connect and even be honest with God even when we feel like it is hard. It is also a way that God uses to speak to us often. Two songs I haven't been able to shake lately are:

 "This I Believe" By Hillsong worship which is just a declaration of what I believe. Simple, true and refreshing.

"Here's My Heart" By David Crowder, which I guess is just Crowder now... but it also is such a simple song and truly is the cry of my heart, and has been for as long as I can remember, someone finally put words to what my heart longs for. At least that is what it feels like right now.

Here are some of the words to this beautiful song:

 " Here's my heart Lord , speak what is true. "

"I am found, I am yours, I am loved, I'm made pure, I have life, I can breathe, I am healed, I am free."

"Cause you are strong, you are sure, you are life, you endure, you are good, always true, you light breaking through"

"Here's my life Lord, speak what is true"

"You are more than enough, you are here, you are love, you are hope, you are grace you're all i have you're everything."

"Speak what is true"

My prayer is that wherever you are at, whatever you might be wrestling with God over, that He would speak what is true, clearly to your heart, and you would always remember that you're value and you're worth, is no dependent on what you do. It is dependent on what Jesus did.

Obedience / He is faithful

          Writing this blog is a struggle for me. It is hard for me not because I don't have a lot to say, if you know me, you know I have plenty to say. It is a struggle because I want it to be meaningful. If it's meaningful then I have to put myself out there and allow others to read what I learning in my heart, and share not necessarily just with those I want to share with. What will others think? These are pieces of who I am, and who I am becoming.
            However, there comes a point where when God asks you to do something and you simply don't that it is disobedience. I have been living in this disobedience in regard to writing on my blog for awhile now... months really... I have lots and lots of excuses, just like I am sure anyone reading this does for their sin/disobedience in their life. Here were some of mine; I am too busy, my house is a mess I should clean it instead, Amirah wore me our and I need a nap too, I just want to rest, and my personal favorite...I had all these ideas while I was driving home yesterday and now I can't think of a single thing to write about, oh well I guess it can wait. Here is me taking the first step to truly be obedient in this blog thing. For me it is simply because God is faithful. If there is one thing I want you to get out of reading this post, these ramblings... it is that God is faithful, He is faithful all the time, and lately for me, He is faithful even when I am not, because He loves me right where I am and I am enough for Him.
              He is faithful, he is always faithful...even when I am not. As a christian, and growing up as a christian there were certain things I put in a box titled "How To Be A Good Christian". I big component of this box as I was growing up was not ever the thought that I could earn my way to heaven, thankfully I always knew that was impossible. It was about not wasting what God had given me, living up to the sacrifice He had made for me life. I have always deeply wanted that sacrifice to really mean something in this world because He made it for me. I honestly believe that this is an idea many christians either ignore (a majority in fact), or take to the other extreme and fill their lives with works because they want to please God. They want to bring Him joy. That has always been my heart. This is truly in it's purest form such a wonderful, beautiful, and potentially fruit-bearing way to live your life. There can be an issue though, when it is not in it's purest form... then it becomes about legality, and what you're not doing. That has been me on and off forever.
                 Ultimately in our unfaithfulness and disobedience He is always faithful, and He meets us where we are at. So here I am committing to writing posts out of obedience to what He has asked me to do because he is faithful.

Here We Go!

It's been two years since I last posted on this blog... I had assumed I was done. It was good. Then over the last year or so I have tried to decide whether or not I should pick this back up. In the last 4-6 months I have not been able to shake the idea that I needed to get back to it.

Honestly, I hate blogging. It is like putting my whole heart out there, and all the precious things God is teaching me, sharing it all with the world. Anyone and everyone could love or hate what I am sharing, and it feels very vulnerable... easy to decided to not do anymore. However I need to be obedient. God has been teaching me so many things these last two years, and I need to share. Other blogs have blessed me so much, so here is my chance to maybe/ hopefully pass that blessing along.

With that said... watch for more posts. Posts about the amazing things God is teaching. Fair warning... many will be about learning to not live in fear,  learning how to be content where I am at, recognizing my purpose and my mission where God has placed me, and relearning how good and trustworthy our amazing King of Kings really is...

I have been flooded with ideas of what to blog about. (even though now I am drawing a blank wondering why this seemed like a good idea a week ago...)

Time to be uncomfortable, and share. :)

Trust...

Why is it so hard to trust, yet so embedded in God's plan for each of our lives? Everywhere we turn around we are asked to trust someone or something else, yet most of us are raised to stand up for ourselves, defend ourselves, and trust no one but ourselves. What of this is actually biblical apart of God's design? Certainly He doesn't want a bunch of push overs, but he doesn't want a bunch of angry, bitter, selfish people either. Can we build good solid relationships that build up and encourage each other in Christ without trust? Can we learn from one another with out trust? Can we have healthy marriages and families without trust? Can we follow Christ whole heartedly without trust?

Trust is part of God's design, a key part of his design. His kingdom is designed around relationships, a relationship with Christ where we trust Him completely with our lives, more trust than we are ever asked to give anyone else. Relationships with spouses, where we ideally trust our spouses like Christ and the church. Relationships within family, that are called to resemble the relationship between God the Father and His son. Yes trust is a huge part of our life following Christ.

Here is some food for thought on trust straight from our source for truth... :


Psalm 56:3 "Even when I am afraid I will trust in you."
Psalm 115:9 " Israel, trust the Lord. He is your helper and shield."
Psalm 31:14 " I trust you, O Lord. I said, "You are my God."
Psalm 56:11"I trust God. I am not afraid. What can mortals do to me?
Psalm 33:21 "In him our hearts find joy. In his holy name we trust."
Psalm 37:3 "Trust the lord, and do good things. Live in the land, and practice being faithful."
Proverbs 3:5 "Trust the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding."
Acts 27:25 "So have courage men! I trust God that everything will turn out as he told me."
2 Timothy 1:12 "For this reason I suffer as I do. However, I'm not ashamed. I know whom I trust. I'm convinced that he is able to protect what he had entrusted to me until that day."
Romans 10:9 "If you declare that Jesus is Lord, and believe that God brought him back to life, you will be saved."
Hebrews 13:6 "So we can confidently say, "The Lord is my helper. I will not be afraid. What can mortals do to me?"

1 Corinthians 11:1 "Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ."
                  - Trusting those God has asked you to serve under, that they are following Christ. Trusting leadership.
Ephesians 5:22-23 "Wives, place yourselves under your husbands' authority as you have placed yourselves under the Lord's authority. The husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. it is his body, and he is its Savior."
                  - Trust, to allow your husband to lead your family takes great trust... and is first learned as you trust Christ to lead you in your life...
Ephesians 5:33 "But every husband must love his wife as he loves himself, and wives should respect their husbands."
                - Mutual trust to supply that basic desire with in our relationships, love and respect.

I know there are so many more verses about trust, trust between followers of Christ and Christ, trust between spouses, trust even between parents and their children, children trust that their parents are going to take care of them. Even trust between Jesus and God the Father.

I guess I say all of this to say that I believe at the root of so many relationship issues whether it is between spouses, friends, family members, ourselves or even our relationship with Christ stem from a lack of trust. A fear that is separating us from having the full relationships God intends for us to have. A fear that we will be hurt, lead astray, abandoned, or judged. Yet there is so much freedom in trust! As we learn to trust we are set free from these fears, and our relationships go to a new level. A level where we share things with others we wouldn't have before, and we have the new freedom to walk through our life with others at our side and then to do the same for others. Freedom to be ourselves, we have to trust ourselves, and who God says we are in order to truly be ourselves...

So I challenge you, and I challenge myself... let's continue to take bigger steps to believe what God says about us, to believe the best about others, and to trust... if you are having issues in your relationships examine this issue of trust, is there something there that you don't trust? Why? What can be done to solve that? I am not saying lets throw down our guards, logic and common sense... that would be unwise. I am just saying lets turn from our culture of self-reliance and open ourselves up a little to trust others so that we have can the meaningful relationships God has created us to desire and to have. Sometimes the hardest people to trust are those closest to us. Start with little things... :)

Where am I at?...

Ever stop to wonder where you are really at? You don't feel like you fit, or are where you want to be, but aren't sure why? That's how I have been feeling. I have wondered about where I belong. Wondered if I am truly living my life to the fullest. I am not sure.

When I was younger I felt recklessly and sometimes even hopelessly in love with and abondoned to God. Now, often days I wonder where my affections truly lie. I love God, I desire for Him to be the purpose behind all that I do, but more often than not I find myself wondering if my actions line up with my words. If I have lost sight of what it really means to be truly in love with God, in my everyday life. Or is it that I have just simply grown up. I have a better understanding of who He is, and love Him for that, but I also understand that it is not always about just acting abondoned but a condition of the heart that is lived out day to day. If maybe before it was the newness, and now it is the everyday... but I don't want to have an ordinary life, and an ordinary relationship with God, I want to be reckless, in love, excited, and always feeling passionate... do I have to always have to feel that to be one of the ones that helps work to change the world? 


( I wrote this top part about 1-2 weeks ago, and have been mulling over a response to my own questions, and asking God to show me where I am at, below is what I have concluded so far...)

I don't know.

However here is what I do know. God knows where I am at, He knows who He wants me to be. He has given me the things that I love and that I hate for a reason, and I trust that as I trust Him, He is going to continually change me. The great thing about this is that He does it His way, His timing, and that can look, feel and be different from time to time. When I was younger I was so worried that I would miss "it, that I would make a wrong choice and miss God's best for me. Then as I got older and walked through trials I feared what God was going to ask me to do. I feared that I would be asked to step out in ways I didn't want to, that would be uncomfortable, and even get hurt. Guess what?! These fears I faced, and not only survived but strengthen my faith because God brought me through my fear and I survived it! I remember the person that was discipling me at the time pointing out that if I was trusting God and doing my best to follow Him that I would not miss what He had for me because I have the Holy Spirit in me. So true! The fear of what God would ask me to do I think is kind of a good fear, in the sense that we should count the cost of following Christ, however what I have learned is that it is so very very very important to remember that our God loves us more than anything, and that He always has our best interest at heart. So if we trust Him no matter how scary, ugly, gross, or even awful it may seem, it is going to be more than ok, because He knows what He is doing, and it is all for our best, and above all these are wonderful chances for Him to be glorified in BIG ways!

Ok, so I say all of that to say this, God leads us through each season to make us into who He wants us to be. If Christ is on the throne of our hearts then we won't miss what He has in store for us. I hope my fear of becoming complacent, or losing my passion for Christ is a sign of God stirring something even bigger in me now. A process He is walking me through to re-evaluate where I am at, and the choices I am making. How awesome is it that we have a God who meets us exactly where we are at, and is without changing who we need Him to be in that season in life. "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever." Hebrews 13:8, so it can't be Him changing it must be me, my view of Him, and the new lessons He is teaching me. Right now God is revealing Himself to me in the little areas, and encouraging me in some of those same small areas. I am in awe... maybe this day to day thing, though is it not as flashy, emotional, or charismatic, is the way to truly glorify Him, and serve Him in my everyday life. To always trust that, "We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God- those whom he has called according to his plan." Romans 8:28.

To Blog or Not To Blog....

I have been playing with the idea of starting a blog for a long time. Then I couldn't decided what to blog about. I am a teacher, a wife, and a follower of Christ. God has placed so many things on my heart, I want to be an agent of change in our world. I want to be used by God to change the world.

With that said, I suddenly once again feel that maybe I should take this step, and try blogging. I have been fighting it for over a year now, but I know I now have at least one thing I really want to say, and to share so here goes...

We lost our first baby a little over a week ago, I was about 13 1/2 weeks pregnant, and had been so fearful that something was going to happen to the baby. We had our first appointment at 10 weeks, and everything looked great. I was so relieved after that appointment. We think the baby died sometime that week after that appointment. On April 9th, I went to the ER and the baby had no heart beat or blood flow, and only measured 8 weeks. We had lost our baby... I never felt the way that I felt before. Easter Sunday I went to church, just because I didn't want to be at home alone. The family of the church loved me, passed me around and let me cry. It was amazing... as the week went on I realized how awesome the connection within the body of Christ is, and how awesome it is that not only do we get eternal life with Jesus, but we get to be apart of this body, a body that cares, loves, embraces, and takes care of each other at every stage in life, at every turn, at loss, and even at every mistake.

However the best thing that has happened from everything from the last week or so is how important it is to see God glorified in everything that goes on in our lives. My husband and I found comfort in a song "Unending Love" by Hillsong, and part of it was because of the truth of Christ's unending love, but more so it was because it was about God being glorified. Letting go of all of who I am and surrendering to all that He is. That means even during circumstances where I don't feel like surrendering or know what to surrender, places of brokenness where I feel like there isn't anything to surrender. I think that God appreciates and loves every sacrifice, and everything we submit to Him, He loves the surrender when we feel whole and want to surrender, but he also loves the surrender when we feel like we are holding the pieces together and if we surrender we will completely fall apart. He loves our hearts surrendered to Him.

On top of all this He has given us promises when we go through heartache, and He gives us hope. Last week I kept thinking about how the miscarriage felt like a broken promise, but the reality is it was another opportunity for God to be glorified and for Him to fulfill other promises in my life. It is an opportunity to trust Him in new ways and celebrate the fact that He knows what He is doing, and He knew what was going to happen, He knew why, and He knows what the future holds. What does that leave me? Comfort, peace, even joy in a time when I am broken, hurting and sad.

The last thing I wanted to share are some verse that have comforted me in times of brokenness and immediately and continually brought to memory this last week:

Psalm 43: 5
"Why, my soul, are you downcast?

   Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,    for I will yet praise him,    my Savior and my God."

Psalm 56:8

 "You have taken account of my wanderings; 
Put my tears in Your bottle. 
Are they not in Your book?"

Psalm 30:5

 "For His anger is but for a moment, 
His favor is for a lifetime; 
Weeping may last for the night, 
But a shout of joy comes in the morning."

Finally my favorite Psalm;

Psalm 34


 I will bless the LORD at all times; 
His praise shall continually be in my mouth. 
^{2 My soul will make its boast in the LORD;} The humble will hear it and rejoice. 
^{3 O magnify the LORD with me,} And let us exalt His name together.


 ⁴ I sought the LORD, and He answered me, 
And delivered me from all my fears. ^{5 They looked to Him and were radiant,} And their faces will never be ashamed. ^{6 This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him} And saved him out of all his troubles. ^{7 The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear Him,} And rescues them.

 ⁸ O taste and see that the LORD is good; 
How blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him! 
^{9 O fear the LORD, you His saints;} For to those who fear Him there is no want. 
^{10 The young lions do lack and suffer hunger;} But they who seek the LORD shall not be in want of any good thing. 
^{11 Come, you children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the LORD. 12 Who is the man who desires life} And loves length of days that he may see good? 
^{13 Keep your tongue from evil} And your lips from speaking deceit. 
^{14 Depart from evil and do good;} Seek peace and pursue it.


 ¹⁵ The eyes of the LORD are toward the righteous 
And His ears are open to their cry. 
^{16 The face of the LORD is against evildoers,} To cut off the memory of them from the earth. 
^{17 The righteous cry, and the LORD hears} And delivers them out of all their troubles. 
^{18 The LORD is near to the brokenhearted} And saves those who are crushed in spirit.

 ¹⁹ Many are the afflictions of the righteous, 
But the LORD delivers him out of them all. 
^{20 He keeps all his bones, Not one of them is broken. 21 Evil shall slay the wicked,} And those who hate the righteous will be condemned. 
^{22 The LORD redeems the soul of His servants,} And none of those who take refuge in Him will be condemned.


(all verses from biblegateway.com) 


Well I guess that's all I have for now... glorify God in all that you do, seek Him and you will find Him. Our lives are for Him, to know Him, to love Him, to show Him to reflect Him to those around us, regardless of our circumstances. He is greater, He is bigger, He is stronger, and through Him alone the lost will be save and the broken redeemed.